Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Started Getting Down
I know that there are lots of really shitty portrayals of dynamics between hetero couples in the media. I would really love it if we could just see people talking about sex in a relaxed way, and talking during sex would be even better. What the mainstream media gives us is this toxic shit and we are left with the challenge of unlearning it. Even worse, representations of lesbian (queer, clit-clit, etc.) sexual relationships are few and far between. We have no examples. We are drawn together far before we really know how to treat one another and often end up hurting each other in the process.
<3 Definitions of what constitutes sex between women (queers, clits, etc.) tend to be personal and various. Don’t impose your own definition onto other people. This is where heteronormative models of virginity can be really damaging. Enjoy your experience for what it is.
<3 “Virgins” have agency. Just because someone has never had sex with another person before does not mean that they are not a sexual being. All people have the power to know what they want and ask for it, regardless of previous experience.
<3 Not every sexual interaction must involve “giving” and “receiving.” Just because someone wants to fuck you, doesn’t mean that they want you you to fuck them. Just because someone wants you to fuck them, doesn’t mean they want to fuck you.
<3 Variations in gender expression will greatly shape your interactions with different people. Meet people where they are.
<3 Someone might not want you to touch them in certain places or in certain ways. This is personal for each individual. It is not about you, do not take it personally.
<3 Not everyone is into vaginal penetration. This should be a talking point.
<3 Masturbation and sex are different things. Just because they might involve similar sorts of genitalia does not mean that one is “practice” for the other.
<3 Sex is not a skill. The idea that sex is something that you perform on another person is…icky. Good sex is about compatibility and communication.
<3 Take pleasure in giving pleasure.
<3 Women (queers, people with vaginas, etc.) are not “safer” than cis men. We are just as capable of hurting each other.
<3 Talk about triggers. Looks for signs.
<3 Lesbians (women who have sex with women, people with vaginas, etc.) are not immune from STIs. I know that people know this in theory, but it can still be difficult to practice in practice. Open communication and barriers (dental dams, gloves)!
<3 Consent. Consent. Consent.